After a refreshing hot girl summer of Craft Beer and tequila shots, long days at the beach, and one too many fish tacos, I’m SO fucking ready for football. I’ve been thinking about doing a weekly pick’em article for a long time. Laziness and self-doubt have held me back, but alas, I’m here to blow your mind with my incredible aptitude for picking football games.
Disclaimer: I’m definitely not a professional when it comes to this shit. My reasons for choosing a game-winner are very unorthodox. I’ve never been a stats girl, so I’m not going to dig too deep into that because I really don’t care to. I, unlike many, trust my gut.
I’m an instincts girl. Basic Instinct was and will probably always be one of my favourite movies for a reason. And that pesky little intuition of mine has benefitted me plenty in the past. It’s also gotten me out of some horrible situations with manipulative men, so it’s basically my newfound super power.
Anyhoo, this is all to say please don’t poop all over me if I’m wrong with my picks. I’ll probably be wrong…A LOT. So take all these cheeky paragraphs with a grain of kosher salt.
Cryssy’s Gems – Week 1
Buccaneers vs. Cowboys
My waiter at Tap & Barrel in Olympic Village was an absolute dime of a human and helped me pick the winner of this matchup. Dak put on a CLINIC, but if you give TB12 just 1-minute to somehow put together a clutch drive to win the game, he’s going to do it almost every single time.
49ers vs. Lions
Biases aside, Nick Bosa is the key to the 49ers winning games. Doesn’t matter if it’s Jimmy G, Trey Lance, or Kyle Shanahan at QB, there’s something about that D whenever Smaller Bear is on the field. His presence lifts those around him. I almost want to put money down that Bosa will win Comeback Player of the Year. No joke.
The 49ers swept Jared Goff and the Rams last season while being the 2nd most injured team in the past 20 years. Imagine what they can do with a consistent and healthy squad? By the way, just because Goff has switched teams, doesn’t make him suddenly an incredible quarterback. The Lions also finished the 2020 season literally at the bottom of the barrel in scoring and total D.
Anyway, you already know who my ride or die is & it feels great, baby.
Seahawks vs. Colts
As much as this pains me to pick, the Seahawks are obviously the better team out of the two. The Colts offensive line is dishevelled, to say the least. They’re all iffy when it comes to injuries. And trust me, I know how injuries can affect the quality of a team.
I’m sorry, but even though he’s with a shiny, new team, it’s still Carson Wontz.
Vikings vs. Cincinnati
I’m about to get super petty because out of 288 picks on Tallysight, 82% of analysts chose the Vikings to dominate those lil Bengal kitties.
And while most of the time, I enjoy listening to others commendable, and well-articulated opinions, I just can’t pick the Vikes. Story time: there was a dude who used to smack talk me ALL the time about how the Vikings were better than the 49ers. He loved Minnesota. He also turned out to be a huge creep and now I get the heebie jeebies every time I see a Vikings logo.
The kicker is I absolutely adore Commissioner Yas, who is a certified babe and Bengals stan.
Hoes over bros, every damn time.
Jaguars vs. Texans
Almost did a coin flip for this one because it’s truly a disappointing game between two not-so-hot teams. Since I’ve got T-Law in a few fantasy leagues, I’m rolling with the homies.
I just can’t see Tyrod Taylor playing better than Lawrence. And really, who the heck do the Texans even have anymore? Houston, we have a big problem in my opinion.
Chargers vs. Washington
Washington’s defense is pretty, pretty good. But I don’t think this one is going to be a walk on the gridiron.
Chargers have breathed some life back into their offensive line, which could elevate Justin Herbert to new heights and maybe even 400 passing yards if they’re able to keep that D at bay.
That being said, I’m still riding with the WFT because defense wins championships and all that jazz. It’ll be a close one, though.
Eagles vs. Falcons
It’s a true battle of the birds! Now that the Eagles ditched Wontz, they might have a slight chance of revival against all of their opponents in the NFL. Truth is, many are taking Atlanta in this one.
And while Hotlanta may bring the heat in their city, I just don’t know if I like them over Philly’s new man at center.
Come on baby, Jalen Hurts’ sooooo good! Had to throw some Mellencamp your way to show you just how all-in I am on this guy. Call me Crazy Cryssy, but I’m going against the analysts on this one.
Steelers vs. Bills
I’ve made some lifelong friendships with Cleveland Browns fans, which in turn has made me slightly high on the team. That being said, I physically cannot cheer for Big Bad Ben and the Steelers. Even though Chase Claypool is from the same province I currently live in, I just can’t do it, fam.
Bills Mafia always gives me a reason to smile while throwing themselves into tables and beer-bonging Fireball at 9am during the tailgate. They’re a special type of a fan and in an alternate universe, I’d probably be a huge Buffalo gal if I never met my ex-boyfriend who showed me the Red & Gold way.
Jets vs. Panthers
Robert Saleh was an absolute God as the 49ers Defensive Coordinator. So yes, this is a biased pick. But let me just say, everyone and their dog is raving about Zach Wilson. Even though the owner basically shit all over that notion recently.
“He’s not in Canton yet,” Woody Johnson said to CBS New York.
Romo says Wilson will be one of the Top 5 QB’s in the league this season which is absolutely WILD, but it’s Tony Flippin’ Romo, of course I’m going to devour what he’s serving up. That dude is a legendary broadcaster.
For all this, I’m picking an upset: Jets to the moon.
Cardinals vs. Titans
Derrek Henry is a human wrecking ball and will destroy any and all defenders in his way as he bowls himself down the field into the end zone. Plus, I just can’t pick the Cardinals to win. I personally need them to lose almost every single game so the 49ers can accomplish the greatest comeback season of all time and top the NFC West.
75% of analysts predict the Titans to take the cake in this one. And even though I really love my guy, J.J. Watt, I’ve gotta go with the experts here.
Browns vs. Chiefs
Chiefs are hands down one of the best teams in the NFL league. This pick is solely based on the fact that:
1. I’m still holding a grudge against KC for beating San Francisco in the Super Bowl.
2. I’m a mini-Browns fan, so this is completely based on bias.
3. Baker Mayfield MAY just surprise some of y’all this season. Baby boy has been grinding in the gym and looks fit af.
All bias aside, Chiefs will probably win and this pick will look silly to so many of you. And that’s okay. I’m going to be salty and choose the Browns anyway!
Dolphins vs. Patriots
Mac & Cheese is one of my favourite meals in this entire world. The simple addition of some all-beef hotdogs kicks it up a notch, too.
That being said, Bill Belichick ordered himself a bowl of Mac and he’s added some hotdogs to that shit, too. I believe Mac Jones will do his damn thing for the Pats. Will he slowly morph into Tom Brady 2.0? Probably not. That guy is a beast.
But Billy Boy sees something in Jones and he's defs going down as one of the greatest coaches of all time. He’s basically building a Mac & Cheese food truck, and guess what? I’m buying.
Broncos vs. Giants
Do I have to choose someone from this game? Ah, Saquon Barkely is good (if he plays). I like Danny Dimes, he seems nice. And honestly, ever since Peyton Manning retired, I haven’t really thought about the Broncos.
I once watched the 49ers play in Denver and Manning threw his 509th touchdown to break the record at the time. The team celebrated by playing Piggy in the Middle with him and the ball. It was the wholesome content we all deserve, tbh.
For that reason and the fact so many professionals are picking Denver, I’m ridin’ with the horses.
Packers vs. Saints
Aaron Rodgers is a baaaaaad man. So much so, he’s going to play with a huge chip on his shoulder to combat the off-field antics that are so clearly going on behind closed doors in Green Bay.
I’m high on Jameis Winston, especially after getting his eyes fixed. I, too, have lived with really terrible eyesight. After getting my first pair of contacts, the whole world suddenly seemed like a better place to be. And thankfully, I could finally see when driving a vehicle, woo woo!
Anyway, I’m not about to bet against the Packers (unless they play the 49ers in the NFC Championship game or any other game for that matter lololol).
Bears vs. Rams
Matt Stafford has never won a playoff game in his entire time with the Detroit Lions. Will he finally be able to do so with the Rams? Nah, probably not. However, I’m feelin’ this team over Da Bears simply due to the fact that Aaron Donald is a monster and will probably get 3 sacks on the night.
PS. Anyone else confused how this is the Sunday nighter?
Ravens vs. Raiders
I’m definitely picking with my heart on this one. My dad is my favourite human in the entire world and his team is…the Las Vegas Raiders.
It’s been my dream to take him to a 49ers/Raiders game some day and be my own type of reporter for the game. Thanks to a friend who works in the industry, we’ll be able to do just that in the future!
So, call me coo coo ca choo, that’s fine. My dad taught me how to be an empathetic, open-minded, and caring person. He deserves this win because I’m incredibly grateful for him.
Mushy, I know.
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